During our two weeks in the hospital, I received so many words of encouragement. There were so many texts, facebook messages, e-mails and I was truly grateful for all of it... I needed it for sure. One particular letter I received really spoke to me. A friend of mine's sister-in-law reached out and her words really put things into perspective. I asked her permission to share her inspiring words on my blog and she agreed. I wanted to post this letter because I really feel like any mom can relate to what she's saying at some point in their lives. Corinne, you're a wise woman and I couldn't be more appreciative of you reaching out to me. It meant so very much.
"Hey, Laurie, It's Corinne. I just wanted to reach out to you. I go to your blog from time to time because I think you are just the cutest;) Alec has got to be the cutest little baby boy. I may not be able to relate to your exact scenario but with Charlotte having multiple life threatening allergies, I can feel your vulnerability. Along with the gift of loving your baby more than you could ever imagine, comes this sense of vulnerability that you have never experienced before. At three months old when I was told Cha was allergic to milk, eggs, peanuts, all tree nuts, legumes, fish, soy, sesame, sunflower seeds, and pitted fruit, I felt like I was handed a china bowl in a moshpit. How on earth do I even begin in protecting this newborn from a world that is surrounded by lethal substances? And I nursed her for almost two years, therefore I had to not eat them as well. I felt vulnerable and alone. Questioned Why alot. I felt I was in a mad rush to find spirituality because that is the only thing that I could do. Pray. Pray. Pray. Pray that this perfect little baby girl would be safe. Pray for it all to go away (which is hasn't;(). Pray for the strength.
I just wanted to write to let you know that I have come to learn that through all of the questions of "why me", I have realized that everyone on this planet reaches a point in their life where they say "why me". It may be so hard to see other mom's with their first borns only worried about tiny little nonsense but at some point life is gonna just throw them a "why me" event. Everytime Cha has an allergic reaction and I have an epipen in my hand or I resent other moms for being able to take a single meal off from cooking from scratch, I have to remind myself that they have their "something" that tests their vulnerability.
The answer to the "why me" actually is pretty clear. I have always been on the path of nutrition. Being vegetarian for 8 years, and a label reader is why I was chosen to be her mom. Just like you being a trauma nurse and having all of your nursing background, is exactly why you were chosen to be Alec's mom. We were CHOSEN. My sister always jokes with me saying god knew to pick me over her because she wouldn't have known where to even begin.
Having these precious little beings is our journey. Their souls were meant for us. You are a beautiful, loving, sweet mama. You were chosen to Alec's mama because the universe knew EXACTLY what it was doing;) Stay strong, yet know it is okay to be weak.
I know you have an amazing family and group of friends. I just felt the need to connect with you;)
I am sending you lots of love."
There have been so many times since last April that I have questioned "Why me?"... and although deep down I knew that I was picked for a reason, reading Corinne's words made it even more apparent to me. I've never been an uber religious person, but I have prayed more in these last 9 months than I ever have before. I have confidence in the fact that God has a plan for each and every one of us, and being Alec's mama was my plan. I was chosen.
These past two weeks, have been an emotional roller coaster. I had to dig down pretty deep to search for more strength when I felt like I had nothing left to give. Along with my strong moments, I also had many moments of weakness. There were many times when I had to leave Kiel at Alec's bedside... I just couldn't stand to watch him scream in pain every time they needed to draw blood or do an assessment. I literally felt his pain... and I learned that my threshold was only so high. Thankfully, Kiel was amazing through it all and he had enough strength at times for the both of us.
Although this whole experience has taught me so very much about life, I am incredibly grateful for it to be over. It is wonderful to be home and we are looking forward to a speedy recovery and a happy holiday season with our little guy.
Alec at two months, just prior to his first open heart surgery.